Today was just one of those days. You know the ones that I mean? After a night of fragmented dreams, restless legs and a hungry baby, I woke up feeling a little blurry and on edge. To my shame, Dan left for work knowing that I was annoyed with him over an unresolved issue that I have gotten just petty about. Between a fussy one year old who just wanted to be cuddled and a two and a half year old who kept falling off of things and getting hurt, I really didn’t allow my morning to go from bad to better. I rotated between stewing and simmering and being sorry for my lousy attitude most of the day. I tried to find reasons, explanations and justifications but really they just aren’t there. I tried to escape through facebook and various other social media but only ended up with sore eyes. I talked with a friend on the phone in the afternoon and while making supper managed to some what snap out of it. But I still feel vestiges of the ugly monster waiting to return. And in the quiet of my thoughts, I wonder why. I have read a few posts by friends lately as they walk through the intricacies of being moms at home with their kids and I hear and understand the longing for some quiet, some time to hear ones own thoughts or some time with the men that we married. Or sometimes just the cabin fever that the cold winds and snows force on us during these prairie winters. And yet, I know that these things are not my problem today. The truth is, I have time to myself and activities that I want to do. I am sitting here undisturbed in a silent house with a hot cup of tea. I get time to blog, to sew, to journal, to nap, to read. All things for me. I visited and did something with some one every. single. day last week. So why, why do I have days where I can continue to speak softly and patiently to my girls but where I don’t really engage them and I certainly don’t enter their world? Why do I choose to inflict pain on the husband who bends over backwards to love me? Who enters the house from work fully prepared to help with whatever he can, including getting both girls ready for bed and doing the dishes before leaving for music practice? Why is he the one that I shower with resentment? I wish that I was going to leave you with some deep meaningful thought that I have arrived at. Indeed, the ever hopeful in me refuses to allow this day to end this way. So as I sit here allowing the ugliness to melt away, words like patient, hope, love, kind, mercy, forgive, new, fresh, reconcile, no record of wrongs begin to chorus within.

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