It began with talking about a cow.

It seems that life lately has been an ongoing saga of awakening, wrestling and releasing. It’s brought a bit of silence to my written voice here because I find it hard to give words to the light and the every day happenings yet haven’t been ready to share the more personal reflection. This place that we call home, this place of deep roots, wild still calm beauty, and hard, slowly written stories has urged me to look at life and at myself in ways that I never have before. I am seeing both my flaws and my beauty. Sometimes, I am grieved at what I see. Sometimes, I want to dance. Both often bring tears.

As I sat on a grassy, buttercup strewn hill overlooking the water to the tiny community on the other side of the inlet, I struggled to find words to tell you, dear readers, about the awakening that I am experiencing. For here in this place, I am waking up though I was never asleep. All of my life I have been wakening; I’ve been leading up to this moment that will lead to the next and still the next. Some of these moments seem more gloriously and painfully profound but they wouldn’t be there with the middle or the little ones. Does that make any sense?

I love life and live intensely, purposefully, and intentionally. I rejoice fully, I hurt greatly for others and for myself, I become discouraged easily, and I don’t give up or in gracefully. Change of any kind throws my whole world off balance. This past year has shaken me to my core and although I knew that it would, I wasn’t prepared. And so with that proverbial rug swept from under my feet, I’m finding where to place them again. It’s a process that is requiring more changes especially those from within. They are hard coming and they are oh so welcome.

I have spoken several times of my desire to live well and whole-heartedly; it is a closely held desire. It’s a desire that covers a lot of how I live; how we live because Dan shares that desire with me. A few nights ago, I lamented to Dan about all that I have going on in my head. I think about almost everything. I ponder, discuss, observe, listen, read, and research the way that I live. And I wed a man who analyzes everything. For me, to know is to act, to do it or at least attempt. In my mind this has been to live well. Others might call label it perfectionism but I have never liked labels;). I’ve often been sad for those caught up in the wheel of perfectionism but have accepted it in myself for what I deem “good” things. They are good things, many are great things, and they have become my crutch.

Because of all my knowledge, understanding, and beliefs of good and my determination to act fully, all of these wonderful things have begun to create anxiety, frustration, and guilt because I can’t do everything that I, and only I, have placed on myself. As I look at our life it has a great deal that is exactly what I sought but there are things that I have rushed, some things weren’t meant for this time and some things won’t ever be done up to my “standard”. Yet, I’ve fought giving anything up because it was good or the best for us. I’ve refused to lower my standards in my mind even when it is obvious that they can’t be reality. And I’ve kept thinking that I could just try a little harder or that the breakthrough was just around the corner. I would get it right (said with chin up, shoulders squared, back straight.). But slowly, bit by bit, I have been awakening to the fact that I will never get it right and perhaps I was never meant to. I won’t ever be everything to my children, my husband, or anyone else; I shouldn’t be. I don’t make our little world spin round though I tend to live as if I do. Knowing all kinds of great things and life enriching information doesn’t mean that I must act or else I am a failure. I’m going to mess up until the day I rest in the grave. I’m going stand ashamed before the hurt eyes of my husband as he hears my unfair, cutting words. I am going to feel like a hypocrite telling my girls that I am sorry for unkind words that matched the ones I told them not to speak earlier. I’ll crawl into bed chastising myself for the lateness of the hour and the exhaustion that I know I will feel in the morning. I’ll give the inward cringe as I turn on the dryer when the line and sun beckon outside. I’ll cover one large garden plot with plastic until next year and try to keep the weeds down enough to allow a fraction of the plants that I had intended to grow to produce. I’ll swallow my pride and write an email giving up my dream cow of highland jersey mix. Some days I’ll do art and dance with my girls while on others, I’ll do dishes and wash floors, but some days I’ll everything poorly. I’ll be home with my girls thankfully but there will be times that I envy Dan. Doubtless there will be mornings that I will wish I didn’t have to wake up. I treasure my quiet reading and praying but I’ll still get busy in the morning and forget. I will feel that my life is hard even though I know I have a beautiful one. Some days, I will feel like I have messed up, oh, just about everything. Still, the point is that Love is woven through my entire life and it is the grace of that making my life well lived.

And so my friends, a conversation that began with me letting go of my dream cow continued my awakening. To life that means so much more.

Ocean loving: A little holiday

Tags

Atlantic ocean, Nova Scotia, south shore

We have been hosting our first guests to our fledgling guest house for the past couple of weeks. Usually, we send them off to enjoy the beauty of Nova Scotia while we continue with daily life but Friday was just so bright and happy that we made a spur of the moment decision to join in the excursion to the south shore. A decision well made; it was absolutely beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have decided that we will be taking all our friends and family who visit in the future to the sandy shores of the Atlantic. Any takers? We love company!

Peanut Butter Coconut Balls (Gluten, Grain, & Refined-Sugar Free)

Tags

dessert, peanut butter balls, Peanut Butter Coconut Balls

I have been having hankerings for sweets lately. Rather totally giving in and eating things that are completely unhealthy for us, I have been been playing in the kitchen with some sweet treats. These peanut butter balls have been a huge hit in a nutty, crispy coconut, honeyed goodness with just a hint of salty sort of way. I think they would also be lovely dipped in a dark chocolate but I think I will save that for Christmas baking!

Peanut Butter Coconut Balls

3 c. Shredded Unsweetened Coconut (medium)

1 c. Natural Peanut Butter (no sugar)

2/3 c. honey

½ tsp Sea Salt

Toast coconut in a pan, I love my cast iron for this, on medium heat until browned; this step is what gives the nice crunch to the recipe. Remove from heat. Stir in peanut butter, honey and salt. Cool slightly. Form into 1 inch balls. Chill in fridge and enjoy! They also keep well in the freezer if they last long enough to make it there.

Makes about 48 1 inch ball.

What is your favorite healthy (in moderation) sweet treat?

Caesarean: It’s still your birth and your baby

Tags

birth, c-section, cesarean, natural birth

Generally, I share guest posts on Friday but I’ll just be honest and say that I am a little behind in that department. There will be more of those coming but for this week I decided to finish a post of my own that I have been wanting to share for some time. It also goes along well with last week’s guest post from my friend Lola on being a Doula and with my friend Beth, at Red and Honey, who is doing a book giveaway (check out the last link at the bottom).

With my medical history, I was considered a “high risk” pregnancy from the beginning of my first pregnancy.  I fought against what that seemed to entail with each of my doctors, both of whom I have known and had a good medical relationship with for years (28 years with one to be exact, he says that he delivered me, my mother says that he didn’t make it.).  For the most part, I was successful in having a somewhat intervention free birth with Aneliese. Then, while pregnant with Cecily, the ultrasound showed that I had complete placenta previa making it  impossible to birth her vaginally and I was scheduled for a caesarean at 38 weeks. Instead, I went into labor at just over 34 weeks resulting in a quick emergency c-section. Thankfully, I had made a few plans with my midwife who was present for the birth.  I requested that I be given Cecily immediately and prior to any of the customary weighing etc. and I was able to hold her briefly before the preemie check-up was done. We held her again for a few short minutes prior to her going to NICU (with Dan) and I to recovery. Dan was with Cecily the entire time that she was being observed and I was able to nurse her within an hour or so. With Kathleen, I had another c-section after a long attempt for a VBAC.  Again, I asked that I be given our baby immediately and although there was some resistance, it was as I asked. We were given time to hold her and bond while I was stitched up after which she and her daddy spent the next while cuddling. She was brought to me in recovery so that I could hold her and nurse her.

While not without challenges, I would say that my caesareans went well; each time, I had doctors and nurses who were very positive and agreeable to my wishes even if they found them strange. For that I am very thankful. However, as I have heard other women’s stories and even as I have had time to think about my own, c-sections don’t always go as smoothly as mine. At times this is because further interventions are necessary, but often it seems that standard practice includes unnecessary interventions.

Although I strongly believe that caesareans happen far more regularly than they need to, there are times when they are needed for a healthy baby and/or mama. I for one am thankful that Cecily and I had that available to us as had we not, her birth would not have resulted in life. My sharing all of this is not actually to debate the relevance of caesarean births or the overuse of them but is actually to share a few things that I think are vitally important when having a caesarean. Especially if you are strongly for birthing naturally (home, hospital, unassisted, drug-free, intervention free; however natural looks to you), you might not even prepare for the case of a caesarean.

There are so many great books and resources out there on birth and how to take responsibility for your body, pregnancy, birth, and baby. However, I personally didn’t find a great deal of information on how to really take responsibility for my cesarean births. I tend to be strongly inclined to follow my instincts in situations like this but I will admit as soon as I became a  “medical emergency”, I struggled against just doing what I was told.  It was harder to speak up when I was basically immobile on an operating table.  So here are a few things that I think are important as well as some helpful links to other information. I know that in mainstream terms, many of the things that I am suggesting seem a little extreme and I won’t argue that. I’m not saying that in order to take responsibility for the decisions surrounding your baby and your birth, you must do any or all of these things (though I would strongly encourage it.). I just know that some things, I wish I had thought of and known sooner and others, I look back on with true thankfulness that I did them; that’s why I would like to share them. I’m not naturally a fighter, I don’t find it easy to stand up for what I want. Especially not when I am facing those who have done years of training and often have years of experience to back their looks (and statements) that I am over the top or crazy. Somehow, being a mama brings out the determination to politely stick to my guns if I am prepared ahead of time. So here you go:

1. Antibiotics: You will be given antibiotics via IV during your caesarean; as far as I know there is no way around it. If you have a scheduled caesarean, I would really suggest beginning a good probiotic at least several days prior and continue it for a few weeks afterwards. If your c-section is unplanned, ask to be prescribed and immediately begin a probiotic to regain  “good bacteria” in your gut flora.
2. Bacteria for Baby: Generally, as the baby exits vaginally, they will receive your bacteria as they go through the birth canal and then through touching, kissing, and breastfeeding. This gives them their best start health wise (and of course in many other ways). With a caesarean, the baby bypasses this step and immediately is exposed to foreign bacteria which will then have opportunity to flourish, especially as your bacterial balance will be messed up due to antibiotics. This results in poor digestive flora, including the common and unpleasant thrush, as well as an compromised immune system.  Here are a few things that I know of to counteract this:

-       Use your own baby blanket and hat (I don’t use clothes the first few days really). Also have receiving blankets for them to be cleaned up with. I had planned this for the baby’s birth regardless and so had been sleeping with a baby blanket and hat to insure that it had my bacteria. Kathleen was wrapped in this rather than the hospital blankets.

-       Start your baby on an infant probiotic immediately.  I wasn’t prepared for this and so wasn’t able to start her for a few days, but I wish that I had had it to begin using immediately. I also didn’t think to ask for a prescription for one temporarily while in the hospital unfortunately.

-       It is also possible to use vaginal excretions (swabbed prior to antibiotics) to swab the baby. That may seem strange and gross, but think about what happens in a natural birth.

-       Breast feed as soon as possible.

3. Epidural and Drugs: If possible know what will be used for the epidural. In many cases, you can even meet with the Anesthesiologist prior to discuss what will be used. It is possible to ask for the lowest amount of anesthetic so that you regain feeling sooner and so that it is out of your system quicker. I wish that I had known more about each drug used so that I could make a more educated choice about immediate breast feeding.

My experience each time was that each time I was told that I could leave recovery as soon as I could move my legs. I didn’t bother to tell them that I could make my legs move when I couldn’t feel them and boy, were they impressed with how quickly I was able to do that as I was being wheeled from the OR into recovery;).

4. Laboring: Now, you may be thinking that I am crazy, but if you can, labor (drug free) prior to your caesarean. This will encourage the production of oxytocin and endorphins prior to birth. It will help clear their lungs, add blood flow to their brain, heart and kidneys, give energy, help with bonding, and I have read helps build immunity. It is a good stress for babies.

5. Bonding: This is the area that I felt very, very strongly about and the one that is easy to miss out on.

-       Ask to be given your baby immediately. Go skin to skin. Unless the baby is actually in distress there is no reason for the cleaning, weighing, etc. to happen right away. Your baby needs you, even premature babies. Even though many hospitals still have the policy of observing premature babies separate from their mamas there is solid research done that in most cases, they tend to thrive when skin to skin with the mama. I chose to wait to breast feed for close to an hour, even though both Kathleen and Cecily tried to immediately, due to the drugs in my system. I might do that differently now.

-       Have your baby remain with you while you are being stitched, I discovered that this isn’t standard but very possible and again generally, there is no reason not to.

-       Consider having your baby with you in recovery. I didn’t push for this with Cecily because she was premature but I would now.  Kathleen was with Dan in Kangaroo Care for a time before she joined me in recovery. I wanted to keep her with me the whole time but because of my reaction to the epidural was going in and out of consciousness (I don’t think this is common).

-       If it is not possible for baby to be with you the entire time, make sure they are enjoying skin to skin bonding with their daddy or whoever is present with you at the birth.

-       In case of a general anesthetic (being unconscious): It is still very possible to have contact with your baby. You may not be aware, but they will be. This is more complicated and as I didn’t end up doing a general anesthetic, I can’t tell you in practice how it works. Especially if you have a mid-wife, they will be present in OR and you can plan for them make sure that this happens.

6. Cord clamping: This is something that I didn’t think of until after with Kathleen but there can also be a delay in cord clamping. I had intended this with a vaginal birth but forgot to request it with the cesarean. I don’t know anyone personally but I have read about it in a few birth stories.

7. Don’t Stress: It was so easy for me to get really tense and worried that everything wouldn’t be done exactly as I wanted and to feel like it was me against them. Sometimes that is how it went. For example, the nurses didn’t undertand that I wanted Kathleen to be cleaned up with our own blankets, so used theirs and wrapped her in what I had given them. Some details are worth a fuss, others maybe not so much and you need do decide that keeping in mind that it is a bit of a flurry with neither you or your spouse thinking totally clearly. That’s okay and it doesn’t give you a bad mommy award.

8. LINKS: I have tried to keep my links here pretty simple without including really long ones that have a ton of medical lingo.

Best Baby Probiotic: Nutrivene Baby Biotic

http://www.shop.gapsdiet.com/product.sc?productId=20&categoryId=6

http://www.amazon.com/NuTriVene-Baby-Biotic/dp/B001FUNEL6

http://www.probiotics-help.com/baby-probiotics.html  A little more info on Infant probiotics

Adult Probiotic:

http://www.gapsdiet.com/Bio-Kult_Probiotic.html

http://jn.nutrition.org/content/138/9/1796S.full A study on Intestinal Bacteria in Cesarean and Vaginal Births.

http://womantowomancbe.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/skin-to-skin-in-the-o-r-after-a-c-section/ Skin to Skin in the OR. It includes a beautiful video.

http://wellroundedbirthprep.blogspot.ca/2011/02/how-to-have-natural-cesarean.html An Article full of links on how to have a “natural cesarean”. I’ve not read all of them but liked the ones that I did read.

http://mockabeenews.blogspot.ca/search/label/Twins A beautiful cesarean birth story

http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/laborbirth/a/aa042300a.htm a brief explanation for why labor prior to cesarean is good.

http://redandhoney.com/2012/05/unbound-birth-how-to-have-a-natural-birth-in-the-hospital-review-giveaway/   My friend Beth is offering a book giveaway and review on a book called Unbound Birth: How to have a natural birth in the hospital. I personally haven’t read it but I trust her judgment that it is worth a read.

Do you have any other thoughts or links to add? What went well for you during a cesarean and are there things that did not go as you would have liked? I have missed any points to consider? Have you or do you include the possibility of a cesarean in your birth planning?

Happy?

I was standing, baby on my back, hanging laundry on the line. The girls were playing “The Wheels on the Bus” on an old saw horse in the yard while the chickens scratched for bugs and the goats munched contentedly nearby. The air and the day were just so peaceful and I sighed to myself, “This is the life”. The life for me, as I am heartily aware that my provincial life is the last that some would want.

And then Cecily fell off the saw horse and needed comfort, after which we found ourselves holding hands, Aneliese, Cecily and I, walking across the pasture and up the laneway. I tell you, we were Waldorf, un-schooling, country-living textbook perfect. Blog worthy. My cup overflowed.

Once back home, my new four year old reverted to an intense three year old I’m-mad-and-you-will-take-notice moment. Well, make that many moments if you must know. During which time I found myself sighing a completely different, “this is the life”. We had been having so much fun and were so happy, why did it have to be ruined?

Happiness. It is such a good feeling. I love it. I crave it. And it taunts me with its illusive nature. I know all the rules; I know that a well-lived life isn’t always one that appears happy. I know that peace and joy are possible even in the unhappiest situations; I have even experienced that. I am well aware that happiness isn’t found in how much you have but I often think that I will find it in having less which isn’t true either. I even know that the importance of life isn’t about being happy and I know that I will never be happy all the time no matter what happens. I really believe all of that. But I want to be happy. I want that “I LOVE life!” , moment to last…forever. I want to look at life with a rosy view all the time, but I can’t and I resent that.

My children aren’t going to make me happy all the time. My husband isn’t going to make me happy all the time regardless of how he may try. My stuff and lack there of certainly won’t. Life isn’t always going to be a stream of perfect moments.I not going to be happy with myself all of the time or even most of the time. Without a doubt, there is plenty of ugly stuff in the world to make one unhappy. There just isn’t enough happy to go around.

So then I want to view life differently but I just don’t know how. I want to know how to milk every drop from the rosy moments without resenting them when they are gone. I want to know how to go beyond viewing the “happy times” as the peak of my life. I don’t want the shadow of, “I’ll be happy when ______” to dictate my days. I want peace and joy to be real and not just replacement words for happy. I want to make wholeness my life work rather than happiness.

Now I know that this is the point where I should tie this all up in a neat packaged ending and if I could, I would. Perhaps one day I will change the ending; some day when I have my answers. In the meantime, perhaps you, dear readers, have some thoughts to share. How do you approach life? Is it happiness that you seek or have you found something different? Are you able to embrace those times of happiness without them being your end goal?

I must add these thoughts. Please don’t read this and think that my life situation is unhappy or that I am unhappy in it as that is far from the case. Please try not to read and think that I’m complaining or ungrateful. To be sure I have those times, but my point is that what I long for isn’t dictated by life circumstance. Also please, know that this isn’t an expression of a loss or lack of faith in who God is, but rather an expressed desire to face my questions and longings rather than hiding from them. It’s my journey of living.

And then she is four

Tags

birthday, four years old

She has been counting the sleeps for this big day, April 29th. It’s an important one because as you know, “Four is really old.” And so my eldest daughter is really old. Her chatter today was several decibels higher and the volume many notches louder as she soaked in the specialness of her fourth birthday. As we are coming to expect from her, her birthday wish was a strawberry cake with ice cream.

From the moment she saw her birthday crown and gift at the breakfast table, Aneliese laughed and bounced through the day. She told Cecily that when she turns three in December that she will laugh the same way because, “it is SO MUCH fun!”

She found flowers to decorate her cake

And oohed and ahhed to make a mama's heart glad after I finished decorating it!

She didn't see when her little sister was pretending to lick it!

She helped make supper

While Cecily was goofy.

And the long awaited moment

Sharing the whipped cream on the candles...since there were only four candles and five children, there may have been some double dipping:)

And this is while waiting for ice cream...the event that really mattered

Homemade Strawberry Ice Cream.

And then today as I expected, she slept all afternoon. It is hard work turning four. Aneliese has been precious and delightful in all of her four years, but she has hit an age where she is just really showing who she will be. Our sweet girl is intense and forever keeps us on our toes. She has a insatiable thirst to know, well, just about everything. No conversation goes unheard by her little ears, no question left unasked and a half-hearted response will not be accepted. She is slow to warm to people but loves deeply. She is so very sensitive and so very stubborn. She wants to know how electricity works, figures out that 4+4=8 and 5+5=10, is determined to figure out what bats do in the winter, and loves to be a flower fairy. Her favorite story is when Jesus heals the blind man, she shares our love of music and learns the words after hearing a song once or twice (yikes!). She loves to visit people and hates to say good bye. She is always the mama, the teacher, the doctor, or the boss and I am forever reminded that she is watching me ever so closely. She uses big words, correctly. She likes to wear pajamas all day, she combines the strangest clothing choices and they look good, and she likes to choose all of our clothes as well. She bounces on the trampoline, the couch, the floor. She slides down the banister and constantly needs to be reminded not to swing on the door handles.

Four. That is really, really old. Happy Birthday, sweet Aneliese. I love my big girl!

Nearer Still~Being a Doula: Guest Post

Tags

doula, guest post, lola

After a caesarean with my second daughter, Cecily, due to complete placenta previa, I knew that a VBAC would be a challenge with my next baby. Especially here in Nova Scotia where midwives are basically unavailable. I asked Lola to attend my birth for several reasons; 1) she is a good friend, 2) We share much the same view on labour, birth, and well, much of life in general, only Lola is far more knowledgeable than I on pregnancy and birth. 3) I knew that I would need a strong support if I was going to have a VBAC. Lola was a perfect mix of what I needed as she provided physical support during a long labor, helped me keep my sense of humor, and most importantly, helped advocate and offer her knowledge as I made birthing decisions. I am so glad to be able to share some of her thoughts on being a doula with you today.

I’ve been a Doula for seven years now. When Marissa asked me to write about my experience as a Doula and my views on birth I was really excited. And then I panicked. I’m not your typical Doula and I have some very strong opinions on how birth could and should be handled better in North America. I’ll share a bit about it all and try to keep it brief.

 

What is a Doula?

DONA International defines a Doula with the following…

The word “doula” comes from the ancient Greek meaning “a woman who serves” and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period. Studies have shown that when doulas attend birth, labors are shorter with fewer complications, babies are healthier and they breastfeed more easily.

That seems to be a pretty accurate description. I also take photographs or video tape births if that’s what the parents want.

Why, Where and When did I become a Doula?

I need to say right at the beginning that I find the idea of hiring a Doula strange. In other cultures, birth attendants have always been close friends or family members such as sisters, mothers, aunts or grandmothers. Unfortunately, in our society we have lost vital understanding of the process and we no longer approach birth with a feeling of confidence but rather with fear and trepidation. Many women do not even know how the actual growing and birthing of a baby happens and that negatively effects the way we can offer each other support and assistance. It’s sad that we have to hire someone to fill in for the roles that used to be had by close family or friends but I do think that with the current state of things, Doula’s can be incredibly beneficial for an expecting mother.

With that said, I’ll explain why I decided to enter the profession almost 8 years ago. I’ve always loved pregnancy and birth. When I was newly married, I longed to somehow be a part of the birth process but I wasn’t sure how so I researched different ways I could help women to have a wonderful birth experience. A doula fit the bill perfectly. I was trained by CAPPA Canada and found three lovely women who agreed to let me attend their births as a part of my certification process. Looking back now, I realize what a novice I was. I’ve learned so much since then and have gained a very deep respect for the birth process. My views are more realistic but I still see birth as a natural and beautiful event.

At the time of my training I lived in a small town in Alberta that had a small hospital where all of the low risk deliveries took place. I had my first baby there and attended many families during my time spent in Alberta. It was in that delivery room I gained my confidence as a Doula. I massaged and photographed and massaged and ran for water and… did I say massaged? As wonderful as it was to gain so much experience, It’s also where I started to see major flaws in the way birth is managed. We’ve moved many times since then and I’ve been able to work with many different women and a variety of care providers. Over the years, I’ve discovered my specific gifts and also my weaknesses. We can’t be all things to all people and I’ve learned to embrace that and be up front with my prospective clients so they can know ahead of time if I’m what they will need. I’m a very knowledgeable Doula who serves well under pressure. I have a healthy bank of information stored in my head that I can access when needed. I am encouraging and affirming. But I am not good at making birth a moody or dramatic event. Some women really need and want that. There are some Doulas who are wonderful at making birth ceremonial and emotional but that is not my specific gifting and I gladly refer women to others who can better suit their needs if that’s necessary.

We live in Nova Scotia now and I have three (almost four) beautiful young children so I don’t advertise as a Doula currently but I will always attend births. It’s just something that I love. Lately, I definitely feel more drawn to the possibility of becoming a childbirth educator for the area and I’d love to focus on helping underprivileged, single or very young mothers confidently birth their babies.

My views on Pregnancy, Birth and things that need to change…

The female body works in amazing ways. Pregnancy and birth provide a unique time for women and their families to understand this and to become confident in making decisions about what, where, when and how they will bring their children into the world.

We have the unique privilege of living in a society of plenty. We have food, water, information and medical help available for most people in Canada and that is such a blessing. But somehow, in the last sixty or so years, we have handed over our rights of carrying and birthing babies to a system that has shown itself to be less than ideal, mostly by the embarrassingly high infant and maternal mortality rates and the soaring Caesarean sections being performed. There are legitimate reasons for medical interventions but the excessive and unwarranted use of them can cause serious harm to young vulnerable newborns and mothers. It’s only when we are confident and informed that we can say yes or no to the options laid out before us. Doula’s can help with this sometimes drastic learning curve.

As women, we have also become out of touch with how our bodies function. Things like assessing our own cervical dilation, fundal height, foetal position, and fertility awareness are all things we should be knowledgeable about and comfortable with. Trained health care providers are a service we are privileged to have access to in Canada but that doesn’t excuse us of the responsibility of understanding the process ourselves. We routinely force babies out before they are ready, clamp them and lay them in plastic containers to be blinded by lights, foot thumps and cold instruments before they have shown any sign of needing to be taken away from their mothers. One of the saddest things I see as a Doula is a women lovingly and longingly looking over at her baby on the warming bed while he or she is weighed, measured and dressed before being handed back to be fed, sometimes an hour later. Babies belong to mothers and fathers and we must remember that. We can gladly accept medical help but ultimately the decisions we make, or refuse to make fall on our own shoulders. It can be a frightening realization but also a very empowering and freeing one. I love what I do. I’m blessed to be able to be a part of such a life changing time for so many families but I want to encourage women to know and understand what’s happening. Take charge of it. Own it. And whether you have a home birth, hospital birth or caesarean birth you can know that you were able to make the best decision for your baby and yourself.

Have you had a Doula and if so, how did affect your birth experience? How has your birth experience affected you?

My name is Lola and I’m a pretty ordinary woman, wife, and mama who also happens to be a Doula and novice homesteader. I live in Nova Scotia with my family and live for sunny days at the beach and deep conversation with friends. I am wildly blessed and am learning to not become sidetracked from the truly beautiful and meaningful things in life. www.nearerstillnearer.squarespace.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What life looks like

These spring days have been full and busy in our home. Most days just seem to whirl by and I am not sure where they went to. With my computer being down for the last couple of weeks, I’ve not been able to keep up with the world of technology well at all which is probably just as well right now. And then when I do have a moment to use Dan’s computer, my brain just refuses to click into that mode.

So here are some pictures to show a little of what has been going on. They are mostly pretty fun and have no way of capturing our slightly (or very) scattered life right now. Several times a day as a small fraction of what needs to be done gets done, I ask myself, What were we thinking?
One day at a time.

Baby Rosko

Hazel and her adopted baby.

reading stories together

helping

A Sunday afternoon

Rosko's morning bottle

Choring in the morning

starting the garden; my little farm girls

little friends

getting some late night building in

Welcoming our new flock...fifteen new hens. We are hoping they will sufficiently support our egg habit.

getting settled

Our new Barred Rock rooster whose name happens to be Daniel; I think we will call him Al.

Daddy and his girls taking the goats out to pasture first thing.

Sometimes, I feel like life just rushes forward and all I can see are the unfinished dishes, the bathrooms waiting to be cleaned and the fifty-plus other things that I never seem to catch up to. But these pictures say that there is more. In their hurriedly snapped, unedited state they are proclaiming that life is being lived well in many ways. Sure, Hazel pulls the stake out or breaks her tether daily, yes, the barn needs to more work, and another pile of dishes awaits. But, my girls are living the way that I really want them to. As hard and unfeasible as it is sometimes, we are living a good life. And so tonight, I am going to celebrate that.

Guest Post~”It’s Okay”

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guest blog

I asked Dan a couple of weeks ago if he would be willing to write a guest blog for me. He had plenty of humorous titles and he suggested that he might share a great new recipe or his latest art done with the girls. He’s always ready to help me not take myself too seriously. I don’t think I will be able to have him do this too often…he didn’t come to bed until 2 am last night. I am honored to share his words here and welcome him in his blogging debut;).

Well.  Here goes.  I am Dan.  I am the guest blogger.  Really I am an alien to this whole blogging world.  The only blog I read is my dear wife’s…just to get a varied glimpse into the heart of the one I love.  But last week she told you all that I was going to be her next guest victim, and I am not one to disappoint, so…here goes.

I started by trying to come up with a few title ideas:

1. God, Girls, and Gluten-Free…The 3 G’s That Changed My Life
2. My Life as a Second-Hand Celiac
3. Oil and Water…Trying to Reconcile My Mennonite Heritage with My Gluten Free Lifestyle.

As funny as any of those might have been, I’ve decided to try to get past the humorous surface to something more.

The title I decided to go with is this.  “It’s Okay.”

Here’s a random fact for you.  I have spent approximately 10 years partially congested.  Really,  no joke, breathing through a perfectly good nose (my own evaluation) with less than my created capacity.  And though I don’t remember much, I may never forget one of the rare moments when my nose and sinuses were completely clear and I experienced the unobstructed fresh clean feeling of breathing in through my nasal passages.  I was walking up a hill on Quadra Island in BC, just after a summer rain.  It was beautiful.  So you ask yourself…why am I reading a blog about congestion?  Don’t give up on me yet.

I have been discovering that I am functioning at less than my potential capacity in every aspect of my life.  I experience disabling congestion in my desire to love my wife and children, in my desire to express myself as a creative person, in my desire to significantly connect with God.  Something is holding me back from letting loose and living like I want to live.

But maybe this is how it is supposed to be.  How do I know that this isn’t quite right?  Because I have been given glimpses.  Here are a few.

Glimpse #1

Most of the time, I must confess, I can be a pretty thoughtless selfish guy in my marriage.  And when I reflect on it I can be really discouraged about the small amount of love I have for my wife.  Recently, a cousin of mine who is close to my age died suddenly of an unusual case of meningitis.  His wife and 3 children carry on only by the grace of God.  As I drove home from work one day soon after, I wondered to myself what it would be like to suddenly lose Marissa.  As my eyes filled with tears, the clarity of love that I felt in my heart for her at that moment was intense and real, far beyond my daily experience.  It was a glimpse of love’s potential.

Glimpse #2

I am a creative person.  Or at least that is the game I play most days when I go to work as a photographer and graphic designer.  But honestly, I often sit in front of my computer or hold my camera, just stumped, and unsatisfied with my ability to get “IT” out.  I can’t even tell you what “IT” is.  But “IT” is in me trying to get out.  I am also a violinist.  I occasionally take the time to pull out my violin at home, when no one is really listening, and improvise.  Sometimes as I play (in a bedroom, a bathroom, wherever) I have moments when my entire body and mind just feel crazy, and all off my energy and “IT” is freely flowing into and out of my instrument.  Afterward I am seriously exhausted.  My mind and my limbs just ache.  I get a glimpse of creative potential.

Glimpse #3

I am also a spiritual person (by the way, so are you, whether you believe it or not).  I believe that there is something/Someone (God) beyond and involved in all the stuff of life.  Often, I feel pretty oblivious to anything outside of my immediate sight.  I even wonder if all this “God” stuff is a figment of my imagination.  Before we came to Nova Scotia, we lived in small town Alberta for a year and I was at a strained, inadequate, confused intersection when it came to my responsibility as leader of my family.  We were thinking about coming to the east coast, but I lacked peace and confidence to move ahead because it was drastically different from really great things I had thought we were supposed to be doing.  I decided that I needed to do some unusual listening and started walking the streets of our small town in the middle of the night.  One of those nights (there weren’t many…getting out of bed at 2 is incredibly hard for an undisciplined person), I was walking along, asking the same old questions, “What should we do?  Am I giving up the best things or embracing them by taking my young family to Nova Scotia?”  Suddenly, and softly, I sensed, “It’s okay”.  I felt a new sense of peace about the situation and walked home, ready to watch as the details fell into place.  I am still watching the details of an unexpected plan fall into place.  You may think I am crazy, but I believe I got a little glimpse.  I believe we are all getting little glimpses every day.  Deep in our souls, even unconsciously, we can’t forget them, and we want more.

So what is this all saying?  Well I could choose to live my life dissatisfied with my congested way of loving, creating, and knowing God.  I could spend my days just longing to constantly be at the peak of human potential, to sit in the glimpses, or sit in someone else’s shadow.  Sometimes I do, and it is incredibly frustrating and disabling.    It could be so easy to never act loving to my wife, never create, or never seek God because I am unable to do it at my known created capacity.

But the truth I am trying to take to heart, is that though it is alright to want more, I am more likely to get more if I accept my place on the path, and if I keep moving forward knowing that it’s okay when it doesn’t look just like I expected.  It’s okay to have not reached my created capacity yet.  It’s okay that my life is an all around messy situation.  The point of living isn’t being complete.  The developing is a beautiful messy process.  The One who made us is happy to join us in it.  He’s not standing at the finish line saying “Come on you slacker. It’s been 31 years.  Why aren’t you complete all ready?”  He’s actually walking with us saying, “I’ve been to the finish line, you’ve seen glimpses that you can’t forget, let’s keep going together,  don’t stress, it’s okay.”

Sorry.  This post had no pictures. (Actually there is one as that is the benefit to being the wife of the guest!)

Dan is a jack of all trades, master of none, and starting to be okay with that. He is proud to include busking on his resume. He enjoys being totally out-numbered by the ladies in his life. Things that Dan enjoys in his spare time (?) are wandering and clearing our forest and frantically trying to build shelters for his wife’s growing menagerie of animals.

Are You Inspired?

We cleaned out our front hall closet today and wondered what we were going to do with it. Because why use a closet as a closet when you only have two in the entire house? At first, I thought of a book nook for the girls as they are all the rage and frankly, I think it is a great idea. However, as Dan pointed out, we have plans for more reading spots than we have closets.

Then I thought of a play kitchen. Perfect. The girls have been setting up random kitchens lately and having so much fun. So after thinking about it for a few minutes, I did what any self-respecting, creative woman would do; I googled it because surely there have been others out there who have done it beautifully. I’d have used Pinterest because that seems to be where all the best ideas lurk but my computer is broken and it doesn’t work well on my phone. Anyways. I hadn’t looked long when the absurdity hit me. Who am I kidding? No matter how many lovely ideas I find, I am likely going to stick some crates, baskets, and a little side table on the tacky 70’s linoleum, hang a couple of pictures on the un-cool old wall paper, and let the girls raid my kitchen for supplies. And they will love it.  If I could come up with the idea then surely I can figure out how to create it on my own.

So where am I going with this? Well, I have been chewing on a word for a couple of weeks now. Inspire. It seems to get used a lot in the online social media world. There is Pinterest to inspire creativity (in so many ways); there are blogs to inspire better parenting, eating, living, learning, and so on. If you really love the word there are some brilliant DIY wall décor ideas. And sometimes I spend so much time seeking inspiration that I forget what I was looking for in the first place. I discount my own ability to act (or choose not to act) based on my own thoughts, beliefs, and creativity.

Inspire, by its definition, means to influence, move or guide. It means to spur on, to bring out, or to infuse life (Thank you, Merriam-Webster dictionary). Inspiration brings action. It doesn’t/shouldn’t bring guilt, discouragement or inaction.

Through all the forms of social media* I have found so many great ideas for my home, family, and life from others. I have been encouraged and challenged as a mother, as a wife, and as a woman. In many ways, I would say that I have come to realize more of who I was created to be. I’ve been inspired.

On the other side of the coin, I have collected  “inspiration” and become dissatisfied. I have read about parenting and second-guessed what I know to be best. I have read about balance and felt less for the time that I spend with my children. I’ve turned from the computer to my life feeling that I need to be “more” and frustrated with my lack of ability to be that. I’ve taken some one else’s words, ideas, beliefs, and beauty on as my necessity. And that is stifling. It’s uninspiring. But the thing is I don’t think most have intended to share their stuff that way; it’s me taking it in with my own insecurities and hang-ups.

And so I want to say this plainly. Don’t allow my words in this place to do that to you. If you read my thoughts and feel pressured, looked down upon, guilty or hurt, turn away from them. Throw them out. Perhaps my struggles and insecurities are not what yours are but perhaps the things that I write about bring out yours. I am tempted insert all kinds of disclaimers here of how I don’t think I am all that or that I have any thing more than another and I suppose this is a disclaimer in itself. But the truth is that I know I am not alone in feeling that I need to measure up…to what I’m not sure any of us know exactly.

I had someone recently make a kind comment on my charming life and at first I chuckled and then I sighed. Is that really what is seen? Yes, my life is lovely. I am incredibly blessed. I have been given much and I have much to offer. And my life has just as much, or more, of the disorderly, the messy, the hard, the mundane as I can handle. Yes, there are some things that transfer to screen well and look very charming. But that is not all of what life is.

I think that perhaps I am writing this mostly for the mamas who are also in my particular place in life. We are raising our children and there is so much that we can be and do. We think that we can and should be everything. And life laid out on a screen is so much neater than life in motion. Including mine. As I already said, I have received so much from the lives of others and I very much want to offer what I have to others both on and off screen. I want to inspire. I want to be inspired. But, I don’t want to spend my days thinking that I should do or be something that I am not. I don’t want you to either. I don’t want either of us to spend time and space on lies when our lives can be and are filled with so much good. I want you to be inspired. Truly. If anything I share can do that for you, take them and use them. I will be blessed by that. But please, please don’t be brought down by mine or anyone else life on the screen. There is so much more than that.

Oddly enough, I saw this blog post, http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/, circulating as I was writing this one. I had feelings of, “she said what I was trying to say, and she said it better” and “ why even bother finishing this” welling up. But then I realized that was exactly the point she was making. I don’t need to be someone that I am not. She was specifically talking about being a mom but the thing is that each of us would do well to focus on living well as ourselves. Not compared to someone else. 

* I am talking about social media but I think that this can often also apply in face to face friendships as well…I know that it does for me.